“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 ESV
This verse rings true for me. Have you ever heard God speak? Yeah, well, he’s been talking my ear off for the past month. God revealed his chatty side to me about 4-5 weeks ago.
I went in the kitchen to get myself some chow, and my mom was sitting at the table eating hers. I slopped a random assortment of lunchmeat, cheese, sauce, and pickles onto a corn tortilla and sat down next to my mama. After telling me with a furrowed brow that I had selected a rather odd breakfast menu, she explained to me that she and dad had been talking about moving to Colorado to live with my Grandparents, but a decision like that could not be made without God’s clear guidance on whether to stay or go. So she asked me to start praying about it. This came as a shock to me, and I was pretty upset. My dad has been ministering to the same church for over a decade. We moved here the summer I turned 5, so this has been the only “home” I have ever known- even though we live in the church parsonage and the house is not ours or never will be…but hey, minor details. My initial reaction was “I’m not going.” Ha, little did I know. I finished my weird food and went downstairs to shower and think out the situation I had just been presented with.
I have a personal rule: if I’m going to cry, I’m going to do it in the shower so nobody will be able to tell, then ask me “awww, have you been crying, Sweetheart? What’s the matter?” It's not that I don’t appreciate the concern, but one of two things always happens in situations like that.
1. I lose all self control and lash out all my problems to that poor person. Or…
2. I come up with a lame excuse for the running makeup and bloodshot eyes, and then things with that person become eternally awkward.
“No, I wasn’t dumped. A bee stung me in the eye.”
“But Hon, it’s the middle of February…” Get my point?
Anyway. I kept that rule in mind as I envisioned saying goodbye to all the people here who I love so dearly. Maybe it was the sound of the running water and the energy I was putting into trying to keep the tears from spilling, or maybe I was just having a bad day. Whatever the answer, it didn’t stop me from bawling my eyes out. (Okay, my eyes didn’t come out, but you know what I mean) I turned on my Pandora (internet powered radio station, for those of you who may not have heard of it) playlist, and got dressed. A few songs played that I liked, then I came across a really stupid one. I think it was James Blunt or something so I bit the bullet and wasted one of my hourly skips on it. So sorry, Mr. Blunt.
Living in the middle of nowhere, we don’t have very good cell service at our house, especially in the basement. So when I skipped that song, it confused my phone and the music stopped entirely for about 15 minutes. I just stood there, indulging myself in the mixed emotions I was dealing with. “What happens if we leave? How will people react? What will happen to the church? Could it survive? For ten years dad has done the best he knows how to keep this place alive. Maybe it is time for us to go. Ugh, I wish I was a beetle. Then I could just go live under a rug and no one would find me until spring cleaning time. God, help me…” then the music came back on.
“You can go. You can start all over again. You can try to find a way to make another day go by. You can hide- hold all your feelings inside. You could try to carry on, when all you want to do is cry.” Wow. That didn’t apply to the current status of my life at all. Then it stopped. For about 5 minutes, and then the rest of the song played.
“’Cause sometimes we don’t really notice just how good it can get, so maybe we should start all over, start all over again.” Yeah, well, my story isn’t finished yet. I wasn’t even a fan of Rob Thomas, but I suppose I have to be now, huh? The next song that came on was “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot.
“Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by. Hoping that he’s meant for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly, we were meant to live for so much more…have we lost ourselves?”
Well that just put me over the edge, so I dried my hair (yes, hair first. I’m a teenager. Give me a break) went upstairs, printed off the lyrics, and gave them to my mom. She read them to my dad and we all agreed that we would continue praying about it.
Having the previous events of the day fresh in my mind yet, I put my boots on and went out with the family to watch our town’s fireworks. I had a good time, but the fun was partly clouded for me because I was hanging out with all the people that I would possibly have to say goodbye to, and I didn’t want to do that. At all. But God had other ideas. On the way home I was listening to the same Pandora playlist again, and another Switchfoot song came on called “Dare You To Move.” Personally, the title was enough for me. But I looked up the lyrics anyway. Don’t know why though, it was already pretty clear what we were supposed to do. I just didn’t WANT God to keep constantly confirming it. I wanted to be stuck in Michigan for eternity. But He wasn’t finished with me…
“Tension is here between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be. Maybe redemption has stories to tell, maybe forgiveness is right where you fell. Where can you run to escape from yourself? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go? Salvation is here. I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor, I dare you to move.” Wow, was all I had to say, and it’s still all I have to say. Ever since then God has been going crazy with giving us signs- all of us. I can’t even begin to explain how clear He has made it that He wants us to move.
The album that both of those Switchfoot songs are on is called “The Beautiful Letdown,” and I found that quite ironic. I want this 1,000 mile move to be a beautiful letdown for me. I suppose we’ll see…the U-Haul is backin’ out of this place August 28th no later than 3pm.
