"I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. They are so unlike your Christ." -Ghandi
Yes, I am a Christian.
Yes, I just opened my blog post with a quote from Ghandi.
Thoughts?
If you won't be able to read the rest of this post because I've quoted a Buddhist, here, let me relieve you of your pain. A quote with the same point from the awesome Christian author Frances Chan:
“Lukewarm living and claiming Christ's name simultaneously is utterly disgusting to God.”
Halle- to the freaking- lujah.
These quotes put in a nutshell why I've started to dread going to church. The first few weeks it was okay, I even went to youth group a few times. At first I thought maybe I would even make myself a regular member. But the more I went, it just made the instinct to get out and run even stronger. Every time I darken the door it's like pouring salt into an open wound. It hurts. It hurts me to see people under the guidance of pastoral leaders who, apparently, don't get the point of God's love themselves. And it hurts to be sitting next to my dad (who in my opinion is the best preacher man around) watching him sit through a sermon where everything he believes in, everything he lives for, is being trampled on. I could elaborate MUCH further, but my beef with "Mega-Church" pastors is not really the main focus of this post. If you are curious though, you can read more about that here on a post from my wonderful mom, who, like me, was not impressed at all and just had to blog about it. :)
To see with my own eyes, and hear with my own ears for the first time in my life, the message my family has bent over backwards to deliver being shot down at the pulpits of other pastors... to say the least, has really made me think.
Is there a reason behind all this pain?
What in the WORLD is keeping these pastors from telling their congregation how much God loves them?
Why has God had me walk through so much before I even get out of high school?
Why does everything always have to be so hard?
What is He preparing me for?
And greatest of all these questions....
WHY AM I HERE?
Well let me just tell you...
I know now what the purpose of my life is. I know what I'm supposed to do. And if it took God dragging me, kicking and screaming, 20 hours away from the place and people I love so much to find myself, then so be it. The only thing being away from ministry has done for me is make me realize how much I need it in my life. And only in the past few days have I come to address this. I used to do community theater, so I'm good at making people think things are okay when they really aren't. Ever since I got here I've felt so lost, like I've been rid of my purpose in life. Constantly being on the verge of tears eventually drove me crazy, so I decided that I've had enough and I should talk to my parents. Here's part of our conversation...
Me: "I'm miserable. I don't feel like I'm the kind of person who has been put on this earth to walk into a church, sit through a sermon, and walk out. Church should be so much more than that."
Dad: "That's a calling. And I would know, because I have one too."
Me: "I guess some people are placed here to play out a certain purpose..."
Dad: "That's right. So why don't you go out there and do something about it? You know I'd be the LAST person to prevent you from doing something crazy."
Me: "I may do just that."
Before we moved here I thought I had my life all figured out. I was going to graduate high school, go to college, find a guy crazy enough to get involved with me, then marry him. But now I couldn't be anything further from that. Non-existent Prince Charming is no longer on my radar, and yeah, I'm still in high school- but not for long. I've always been different from kids my age. I'm so beyond worrying about what I'm going to wear to prom, or which boy is the cutest, and how I'm going to get him to like me. I don't mind missing out on casual dating relationships, or blowing a bunch of money on a sweet 16 party, because I know I'm meant to serve a greater purpose. Thanks to you dad, I have a crook in my nose, a brain full of sarcasm, a head full of curly hair that is often mistaken for a bush... and now your ambition to turn the world upside down.
I'm not running from anything, or anyone, anymore. I know who I am. And I will not be silenced.
